No matter how many relationships u have been through the ending of one still pains u. it hurts to let go of something that was dear to u for a certain period of time. It’s the letting go of emotions where all of your reactions was directly or indirectly linked to his, of passions where u think u won’t ever fall in love again, of a habituated lifestyle where there are fixed times of calling each other even when neither has anything substantial to say. Im sure most people will identify with whatever im saying.
Being a veteran of relationships too early in life I kind of thought I knew most things about it. I have learnt a lot from each of the people who had been with me. Each of them has played a very important part in my life. I learnt a lot about them, even more about me, still lot about growing up, commitment and life. In retrospect, it sounds so serious and complex but it was a lot simpler when I was living it. And fun too. It wasn’t all about learning; it was more about making mistakes and the successful covering of it all.
There are a lot of times when I think about one of them and try to analyze what went wrong. For some lost ones it’s clear, but for others it isn’t. I try to play the events in my mind and wish at least I could have behaved in a different way. May be then things would have been different.
I believe I am what I am today because of them. Each incident, each experience shapes u, your personality and your life. It changes in a certain way. The change is easily not noticeable because it may be a minor one. But it does influence u nevertheless. An accumulation of such minor changes happening over a period of time finally makes YOU.
Hence it’s not just the major life changing experiences that people talk about that forms them. It is just easily noticeable. It’s the everyday life that they spend with their dear ones that makes them since people close to you impress you more then strangers.
Here I would like to acknowledge all the people I have loved and lost, and wish that I acted differently.
Lipsy
The story starts when I was in school. Until high school I thought that she was just a spoilt brat. Somehow this spoilt brat became my armor in school. She stood up for me whenever I was in a mess. As we grew up further, I lost her to an insensible decision of going around with the person she loved. I did it to get back at her because she had done the same. I retrospect I think we both knew the we would outgrow this guy and neither of us was serious for him. It wasn’t the guy that was important. It was the breaking of a pact. The breaking of a friendship. The intention.The ever –remaining- therafter- question of “how could you do this to me?” Seriously at that age I did a lot of things that I cringe to even think of now. I went on an on about how she had done the same to me earlier. What I didn’t realize then was, turning the tables on her didn’t lessen my hurt. Infact, I unknowingly got myself into an abusive relationship and that’s a different story altogether.
That seemingly unimportant decision at high school spoilt my friendship with her thereafter. We did try to patch up after a couple of years but the bond went missing. We haven’t yet found it. Later on she went off to Delhi, then Pune, and now she is supposedly back in Delhi again. Now and then, I hear gossip about her from old classmates. But I have lost touch with her. I did speak to her on her birthday in March. She seemed cordial, polite and so distant. I realized that even if I tried its gonna be hard to find the connection. Like the guy we fought for, we have outgrown each other. She has her own world and so do I. the worlds don’t seem to meet anymore.
I do miss her. Sometimes a lot. Remembering all the things we had done together. Bunking tuition, getting punished, speeding bikes, eating in classes, fighting over guys, fighting for each other, crying over heartbreaks and more. What seemed so complex then, seems so simple now. I kinda slap myself for not seeing the bigger picture. The value of whats there is always mistaken to be less then the value of the what’s not there. I did the same. Only when I had lost the friendship did I realize what I had.
Now I wish I was a bit more patient with her. I wish I had realized that she was even more insecure than me. I wish I had been there for her instead of being against. The damage has been done and it seems irreparable at this point in life.
But life as I know it is ever changing. I had never imagined that a person I be with and talk to all the while instead when im sleeping, would someday become so distant. Then her number was always on speed dial and now I have to call at least four people to get her number. The only thing that’s not changed is that she was my best friend in school and still is. As life continues, there is still hope.
